It’s been a while since I’ve posted an actual “conundrum” as I’ve defined it. Life has been a bit dramatic.

But that’s not the realization the title refers to.

I was, again, in Sparks Center earlier this week eating lunch with a fellow freshmen. All freshmen at Wabash take Enduring Questions, he and I are in different sections of EQ, so we were talking about a reading that referenced Sigmund Freud almost exclusively. He and I mutually agreed that it was almost comical how much a published author can rely on a source that is well known to be wrong about almost everything he called psychology in his day.

So we got on the topic of Psychology (specifically psychology classes). Psychology 101 is a requisite for the Education Studies Minor which I had previously expressed an interest in.

I took Education 101 in the Fall Semester and really enjoyed it, so I’m taking Education 201 this semester. Probably the most important lesson I’ve learned in EDU 201 is that I’m not cut out to be a teacher. There are so many other things to being a teacher than just teaching and a lot of it has to do with politics. Anyone who knows me knows that I have my own political views which don’t allow me to align with either major political party (which, by the way, was how George Washington was and believed everyone should be; I agree with him. Maybe George and I should retrospectively start our own political party).

advs of gw
This is still my favorite “Adventures of George Washington” picture.

How do my posts always end up going off on random tangents?

But seriously, in EDU 201, we’ve discussed more political legislation such as No Child Left Behind (cringe), standardized testing (double cringe), and charter schools than I ever cared to know. There’s also questions on the relevance of emergency drills (e.g. Code Reds) if students don’t take such drills seriously (which even as a grade school student, I was guilty of).

I’m not cut out to teach. At least, I don’t think so. Not anymore.

So this is the realization the title refers to: I still don’t have a major and I’m not really sure if I have one in mind. I have generally said that my main interest is in history, but I’m not sure how accurate that is anymore.

The joke I’ve been making is that I’m getting really good at finding what I don’t like. But that’s slowly becoming less and less humorous. Let me explain why:

By this time next year, I have to declare my major. When people had asked me before I came to Wabash what my major was going to be, my answer usually went something like “I’m considering this, or this, or that, or some other thing. I haven’t decided yet. But that’s okay. I have until the second half of sophomore year to figure that out.”

“Second half of sophomore year” seemed so far away at the time, but now that I’m an astounding three-quarters of the way through freshman year, the second half of sophomore year seems dauntingly close and I still don’t know what I want to do. I don’t have the vaguest idea.

Like I said, I’m getting really good at knowing what I don’t want to study. I came in knowing I didn’t want to do any of the “hard” sciences (biology, chemistry, physics) or math. I’m what is called “right-brained,” meaning I have an inclination for creativity. But now I know that I don’t want to study Classics (not because of the works, but because of Latin) and I know I don’t want to study Education anymore for reasons I’ve already discussed.

Well, then I heard a story of a young man who came to Wabash and then found he had an interest in Criminal Justice and that he wanted to study it. Wabash does not have a Criminal Justice program. He felt it necessary to leave Wabash for a larger school with one.

So here comes the terrifying realization I’ve had. What if I don’t find a major for me here because it’s not here for me to find? I was thinking about it earlier this week, and what I’ve decided is that I want to study something that I wouldn’t mind looking at all day long. The way I think about it is that I want to love what I (will) do. It’s like that old proverb “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

I guess what terrifies me the most is the prospect of having to leave Wabash College just because I can’t find “my major” here. In case it wasn’t obvious from my glowing reviews of Wabash, I love it. It has already settled on me as my second home while I’m still settling into it (I often refer to my dorm room as “home” which has been the cause of some confusion). I’m three-quarters of the way through freshman year. Second half of sophomore year seemed so far away half a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago. I didn’t realize how little time I really had and now I wonder if I will ever be able to find the major that I’m looking for.

I would say something like “I’m certain I will sometime soon,” but I cannot say that. It’s not true. I have no certainty of that whatsoever. Ultimately, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t believe it’s good to live life with too much certainty, part of the fun (and pain) in life is that it is unpredictable. But I would like to have some amount of certainty at this point in my life. It’s not really anyone’s fault in particular except my own, and it’s really no one’s fault but mine.

The absolute last thing I want to do would be to leave Wabash and I don’t think it will come to that (fingers crossed). The connection I feel with this place, the people, and the history of the school give it a special place in my heart. I feel that, in my heart, I have always been a Wabash Man and I will always be. I have a hard time imagining myself at a large school. It’s nothing against them because they work really well for some people. Just not me. For me, part of the appeal for Wabash is the small student body and student-to-faculty ratio. This is the place I want to be should fortune allow it. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

So as I sit here on my floor late on a Thursday night working on wrapping up this post, I wonder what await in the future for me. Where I’ll go? Who will go with me? Will I be happy?

It’s cliché, and I apologize for that, but what I seek in life is happiness. All I can hope for is happiness. I don’t know where I’ll find it or if I even will in this life, but it is what I hope for. I also find myself wondering what true happiness is and what makes life fulfilling.

I guess only time can answer that question.

“I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it’s mind at all.
Perhaps I’ll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball.
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball.

Tell me, tell me where I’m going…”

Styx, “Crystal Ball”

(And now my featured image makes sense)